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jaydedheart
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Name: john
Birthday: 8/30/1981
Gender: Male
Interests: I love more then i can list here, but a little ink blot of it all:
I love writing music(both lyrics and composing), as well as listening to substantive music. I also enjoy reading to poetry. I love wandering walks that sometimes take me places on a whim. Also, being by the shore and being on the water(including ferry rides in the city). I love looking at others photography and casually taking my own shots. I'm masterful at drawing stick figures. I enjoy researching history. Both in terms of reading and visiting places(whether it be museums or actual historical spots). Being active in society is very important to me(whether it be protests, boycotts, discussions, civil disobedience, so on).
I'm into a variety of sports and competitive games. Like baseball, basketball, football, batminton, brooklyn chinese poker, axis and allies, skeeball, bowling and pool. The latter two, i'm really horrible at, but that just makes it more fun :D I spent a fair share of time gardening in the warm and m
Expertise: What defines expertise?..
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  animainteraster
Member Since:
7/20/2004
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| It's hard to find a soft spot in life. That cozy little zone to rest your life in a while. A traveling pillow through day and night, place to place, season to season. I do my best. Just seems that once that first domino falls, it doesn't stop. As if it's not bad enough that a first domino's fall carries all the weight of the last domino. Anyway, i don't know if what i'm saying makes sense to anyone else but me, but what i'm trying to say is that i get this feeling that Vanessa's passing was like the opening of pandora's box. I lost something i can't have back, and once the dogs picked up that i have the scent of tragedy, they've been chasing ever since. Vanessa in 2007. My cousin Mikey went into a coma and got debilitated by a driver running a light in 2009. My Peachy died in 2010. My dad had a heart attack, that he is still mentally and physically recovering from, in 2011. This last week i got some hard news. Twice. My cousin Korina, who is Mikey's mom, had what were thought to be benign tumors in the back of her head, but now it turns out that they are cancerous. She's is the hospital currently. I've gone to see her a couple times these week, and she's getting stronger day by the day after the second surgery really knocked her down, but there is a long road ahead including plans for chemotherapy. Then last night, to really magnify the haunting, i got word from a dear friend of mine, Erik, that he has cancer. In two spots. Still in his 20's. Vanessa was only 20.
I feel like i'm going to go on a tantrum of feeling sorry for myself so i'm going to try to stop. But I pray so hard that they are gonna be okay. No one deserves to go through such a thing, and it's particularly true for them. My cousin has been through so much already, and Erik is a very good guy. He's one of the better friends i've had. I'm sure others would say the same. They're so hard to find, harder to keep. I don't know. I tell you, i hate that it's proving so true through my very own life's lense but i am virtually certain we are walking straight into a cancer plague brought on by all the technology we're emersed in. Especially cell phones, i suspect. Companies and govt will deny it, just like they used to with cigarettes till decades passed and so many people have died. This may end up worse, though, because not nearly everyone smoked. Gah, i just hope they're okay. Where does that soft pillow go?
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| Everlasting Love
by Howard Jones
He wasn't looking for a pretty face
She wasn't looking for the latest style
He didn't want someone who walked straight off the T/v
She needed someone with an interior smile
She wasn't looking for a cuddle in the back seat
He wasn't looking for a five minute thrill
She wasn't thinking of tomorrow or of next week
This vacancy he meant to permanently fill
I need an everlasting love
I need a friend and a lover divine
An everlasting precious love
Wait for it, Wait for it, Give it some time
Back in the world of disposable emotion
In the climate of temporary dreams
He wasn't looking for a notch on his bedpost
A love to push, pull and burst at the seams
I need an everlasting love
I need a friend and a lover divine
An everlasting precious love
Wait for it, Wait for it, Give it some time
Is this love worth waiting for?
Something special, something pure
I need an everlasting love
I need a friend and a lover divine
An everlasting precious love
Wait for it, Wait for it, Give it some time
Is this love worth waiting for?
Bitterness will die for sure
Something special, something pure
Is this love worth waiting for?
I need an everlasting love
I need a friend and a lover divine
An everlasting precious love
Wait for it, Wait for it, Give it some time
Wait for it, Wait for it, Give it some time
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| It's almost 2 o'clock in the morning, Caroline is sleeping, but after a nap earlier i am not feeling like sleeping right now. I've been up thinking about friends that i really miss, they have been hard to find lately. I'm sure it's just one of those streaks where the timing hasn't been right, but i really do miss talking, spending time, what ever have you. I suppose it didn't help that i went on aim tonight and it's been totally changed into a "New Aim". Again i have to say, i really wish people hadn't given up aim for the far less conversational social network sites, it helped to keep friends in better touch. Anyway, i hope soon this little streak will be over. I do long for the days when every day meant time spent talking to and/or going somewhere with at least a couple friends. That's so long ago, but i don't see why it can't be. Thankfully i have Caroline here. That's one friend, and of course much more, that i always have with me : )
Things are well with us, after what i feel was a very critical point about 3 weeks ago. We see many things a like, though of course not nearly everything. One being that, she really loves Valentines Day, while on the other hand i think it's purely commercial and doesn't add anything positive and unique to people's lives. As i explained to her, "love is everyday, and everyday we have together we both try to make special." I find other holidays to be commercial, too, but i try to eliminate the commercial aspects and keep the unique aspects, if they exist. That's why i've traditionally loved Christmas, because of unique oppurtunities to spend time with family and do artistic things. Conversely, New Years doesn't do much for me. Though my dad does have his own little ball that he drops, and the last few years that has been a fun little thing to watch him do. But yea, we did talk about this at length, and ultimately she understood my point of view, or so she said. I thought the evening was still wonderful, we watched a good movie at home together and then went to walk along the bay and watched the swans and ducks. But see, this is one reason why i don't like things like Valentines Day, cause guess what..?..She ended up getting real upset over seeing other people with the traditional Valentines Day stuff, and pretty much declared the time we spent together that day amounted to nothing. That was pretty upsetting for me, because we had been having such a good time, and it was like being told that love, affection and time spent together was not enough. Anyway, we talked it over the following day and seemingly had worked it out, but then again, she wasn't being totally honest with me in regards to how she felt, and it flared up again before the week was through. That wasn't pretty, and led to a lengthy argument lasting about 3 days. We nearly broke up, but were able to work it out, and i believe this time for real. Certainly i hope so. I did my best to point to this whole series of events as an example of why i can't participate in Valentines Day. It doesn't make sense that one lover force another to do something specific for them, or else there's this stigma - "You don't love me!" But how is it a show of love if someone is forced to do it? I love to do things for other people, and Caroline as much as anybody, but i want to do it out of love, not because there's a gun to my head. Also, how is it worth losing days of joy together over one day that we see differently? And, i don't need a day to tell me to love her or anyone, cause i do that 365 days a year(well, 366 this year). Finally i think she understands that. Time will tell, but i am glad that things have been far better since, because we do have such great times together.
I do err on the side of caution with her, and will gladly call it an optimistic caution, as i really am happy with these last 5 months. Not because i don't believe in her wonderous capabilities, or ours together. But i just know that it takes time to see if two people are capable of maintaining a positive relationship together. I've talked about this with Jason, once upon a time. It was a few years back, a conversation that for what ever reason sticks with me quite well. I don't know if it was because of the greenery surrounding the brownstones outside of Stuyversant Park and the warm sun breaking through the trees that was so particular, or if it was because of the fact that i don't get to see Jason often and it was the last summer that he was able to spend here in entirety, or if it was the way he opened up to me about something he never had, as much as we'd always been great friends, but i imagine-when thinking about it-mainly the latter with the rest being sprinkles on top. Also, on a very friendshippy note it was like a completion of a cycle. A few years before, he had come to visit me at the very same type of job he was then doing, on a bright summer day to pass the innate nature of it by. That on-the-job visit came shortly before i moved upstate for a short time, and this visit came shortly before he would go back to college. It's interesting how memories work. Anyway, he had suffered the ending of his first relationship earlier in the year while away at college, and it really struck a deep cord with him, like it has with us all who have experienced it. But Jason, being one to delve so deep in thought about life's itricacies, and being very logical on the surface, had come up with a total formula about relationships. Some of it i knew would never occur so practically applied to his life as he declared it would. Namely, that he felt no two people should be together for more then 2 years. That it made sense to cycle lovers/mates approximately that often. It's no coincidence in me saying that this was about the length of his first relationship. But i think there was a more sticking wisdom in something else he said, albeit-i would declare-not an exclusive wisdom. We talked about the point in a relationship at which two people start to get beyond the point where one or both can wear a mask. There's that certain point at which you see someone's true colors, if in some way they are not as they appear initially. He really felt it occurred at about the year range, though we both agreed it probably occurs somewhere between 6 months and a year. I think a lot of it has to do with how much time you spend in those initial months. If you are casually dating for a while before seeing each other regularly(not "casually" in the craigslist sense, but in the sense of dating once or twice a week or so), then i think it can take as much as a year or thereabouts. But i think if it's a more intense relationship from the start, in terms of time spent, then it's probably closer to the 6 month mark. That opinion is just based upon the experiences that both i've had, and friends of mine have had that have been shared. I try not to base too heavily on my own, or just a few, because then you can get really jaded by the past, and that can ruin good things in the future. Yes, despite my namesake on here, i'm not looking to jaded. Actually, if i can recall, i chose that name because it was a part of me i wanted to acknowledge in order to do away with completely. Largely, if not entirely, i think it has worked. Anyway, haha, i do think that Caroline is honest most times and she is very open about who she is, but we need time to see if we really can live with and around each others ways of life in the long haul, as much as we believe we can right now. Sometimes, i think, when two people start out together, one or both people are more willing to tolerate things about each other for the sake of making a start, that they may not be able to tolerate in the long haul. That was my concern recently with Caroline, as i have been very open about my views and feelings from the start, and i began to wonder if she had signed up for something in me that maybe was just too different from what she wanted and it was starting to wear on her. It appears we have passed that test, and i have a fair confidence that we have, but there will be other tests and we will have to see how they unfold in the near future.
I still think about Heather, i suppose i always will. I do believe that each person that reaches you in a unique way holds a certain place in your heart that no one else can occupy. I have no desire to deny that or force her out. I set out to let it be and i am.
Other things are more well then not. My dad had a surgery to repair his hernia, at long last, and it went well. He is in the latter stages of recovering now, and after one more check up, should be good to resume strengthening exercises. I'm really hoping with springs return that he will feel more excited about going outside and doing things, like he used to. I want him to be as happy as he was in the time before the heart attack. Sometimes he has these very good streaks, and other times there can be this crippling feeling, where there's nothing you can do to bring him out of how he feels. He gets lost in the vastness of himself, i suppose, and it's harder for him to get out of it without the struggles he's experienced as a result of the heart attack. The mental damage he suffered, and emotional, is still healing. The physical is in a better place than he realizes, largely because of this. He needs to continue to gain weight for the long term, but he still has quite a decent amount of muscle mass, his heart is strong, and he can get around. I'm really banking on this spring being the time when he is able to piece it all together again. I know it's unfair to expect everything to be like it was before, but again, i just know and want him to get to that point where he is enjoying every day and being active. My mom needs it, too. I'm looking forward to him getting cleared by the surgeon.
Meanwhile, tutoring is going well. I'm hoping the agency will provide me with a new round of students this week, but in the meantime, i've earned my way to continued work beyond the agency with 4 students. 3 being those i'd worked with through the agency, and their parents asked me to stay on with them after the time was up, and another being gained through a recommendation from one of said parents to neighbor. Also, gardening is winding up again, and i've got one of the years first two clients tomorrow(well, today now). It's a client of old, and i'm glad to be working with her again. Had so much fun prepping her yard and watching the phenominal success of her vines last year. Best i've ever seen, i have to say. This year we'll be making an earlier start, as she wants to try to grow some early season crops in addition to the long season crops. I'll be trying to pick up a series of clients in the coming weeks for the same purpose, in advance of the warm weather clients. Also, i've worked out a partnership with a client/friend out in long island, in terms of growing plants for sale under her and her husbands lighting system, of which we'll sell them at a 50/50 split. They're in rough times this year, and as far as working out in their garden goes, we've worked out a bit of bartar system. I've been curious to try this as nothing less then a social experiment. In short, i'll work with them in their garden for a 50/50 split of all harvests, which will be many hundreds of pounds, in light of their gardens size.
Today(yesterday now), i also did some work out in our garden here. Till my dad feels more comfortable with doing so, i'm trying to make all the decisions right now while keeping what he likes at the center of it all. I tranformed some of the old path down the center of the garden into a strawberry run, basically cutting the path to half it's width. Still plenty of room to walk and pick berries from the Straws and the Raspberries, but gives us more harvest space. I'll be tilling and composting the soil around the yard, as well as creating some more new space, over the next few days, with goals for the garden to be fully seeded for the early season by the beginning of next week. I've been itching for so long to get out there and do this, with the winter weather being so mild and teasing us with very warm days(like today, which was almost 70 degrees F!). Then again, there's just so many things i want to do right now, not just garden. Though garden is certainly high up there : p But yea, see friends, write music, do another food preparation for homeless people, throw a baseball around, write a book i've been working on, ect. Time in a bottle, my friend.
I love you always.
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| I felt so sick the last couple of days, apparently haven't caught some type of stomach infection. My mom had it as well, and i think my dad and Caroline also had it about a week ago, but to a lesser degree. My mom and i may have caught it stronger either because it mutated, as such bacteria/virus tend to, or because we were both happened to be working on low sleep at least a couple days prior, each. But thankfully i did have Caroline with me, being quite sweet to help me out while i was sick : ) Recently, she had serious issues with her landlord and roommate, the prior being a slumlord, and the latter being a betraying friend. Essentially she had to find a new place, and frankly the rent prices are up so much that it wasn't feasible for her to move into another place right now, so i ran it by the family and told her it would be fine for her to move in here, at least for the time being. So far, that has gone really well, albeit only about 2 weeks. Word is some people might find that as beyond a pretty bold move, but i'm not one to be concerned with such things as others opinions. In life we have to make decisions on a case by case basis, and based on how we personally view life, and frankly, we've no problem being in eachothers presence quite often. We'd already stayed over one of eachother's homes for as many as 3 straight days and did just fine, so we had some testing ground. We love a lot of the same things, which really helps, because we don't miss out on our life's enjoyments(in addition to eachother), and have had fun going out with one or the others friends(or getting both together). I think these are keys to getting over some of the greatest hurdles to living together. Another being, allowing eachother to go and have some time alone or with friends without harrassment, as well. And Caroline has, to her own admittance, had to work on that some, but we've been able to talk through it and she is handling it much better. And this weekend, she is going out with a friend to the city, which is great, because i've been trying to encourage her, with success, to see her friends more, not to forget about them when getting into a relationship. You know that's a major sticking point with me, history revealing. On the whole, i really happy with how things are going, she is as well. We have a great time together, and have been understanding and helpful to eachother. Simply, that's all there is to love. And yes, i do love her. Would i have moved her in otherwise? Time will reveal more, but these 4 months have been a great gift. | | |
| I thought this persons(http://democrab.xanga.com) explanation of politics and manipulation of the public, as well as our population's metaphorical self-mutilation, was pretty brilliant. Therefore i have to note it here, if nothing else then as a useful tool in future conversations. ......................................................................... Stupid Politics You want to know about politics in this country? Here, I'll tell you about politics. Politics in the United States is like two morons arguing about which is better, smashing your fingers against the pavement with a rubber mallet or having your friend throw baseballs at you while you're naked. They're both terrible, but these two idiots insist that only one option is stupid while the other is the only way real Americans can make this country great. Before long, you have an entire crowd lining up to get their fingers mashed on the sidewalk with mallets or to get pelted by fastballs in the nude. Occasionally, someone says "Hey, this is stupid. Why don't we just stick fireworks up our butts instead?" and then a few people think very hard for all of three seconds and then drop their hammers and baseballs and pick up some Black Cats. Rarely, someone will stand up and shout "What on earth is your problem!? ALL of this is completely stupid!" And then, the finger mashers and the naked pitchers and the firecracker proctologists and everyone else doing stupid things start laughing. They laugh so much that their mangled hands and their giant bruises and their... um, singed behinds don't hurt anymore and they all yell "You fool! This is the way it's always been!" And the guy who didn't want to mangle himself? He doesn't get a voice, because he's not in the big groups. When everyone decides that finger mashing is the way to go, we all get issued rubber mallets. When it's decided that baseball welts are the will of the people, we standardize standing out in the street naked while your neighbors throw baseballs at you. That's how it works. ........................................................... Original post: http://democrab.xanga.com/758230298/stupid-politics/?ref=topblogs | | |
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